Souvenir Signing Shutdown by Starr

There must be a reason for the bitter change of heart that has spurred Ringo Starr to spurn his fans. At the height of the Beatles popularity, there was hardly an indication that Ringo Starr would turn into a grumpy old scrooge. He was the most sentimental member of the legendary Beatles band, selecting to record mushy songs like "Act Naturally" and "Octopus Garden". Perhaps it's all that wealth, the immense riches he obtained and enjoyed because of the fans who loved and cared for them like gods, and who bought everything he recorded after the breakup even if it was rubbish to begin with. His arrogant display of ingratitude will return to haunt him.

In an unprecedented announcement on his website, Starr declared that he will no longer sign memorabilia for fans and will throw all fan mail after October 20. He said he had too much to do. At 68 years old and with enough money to last him several lifetimes, he can't even hire a couple of forgers to sign in his behalf? Aside from constructing a pyramid for his entombment when he departs, perhaps with a golden set of drums and diamond studded drumsticks, what could he be busy with? His recorded solo albums sound like they were done while he was using the toilet after a week of constipation, where the melodies resembled the the shrieks of the screaming banshees. It didn't appear like it was a lot of work. It was not even worth mentioning that it was made by an ex-Beatle because it seemed blasphemous for being so deadbeat.

This is not the first time Ringo has invited the fan's ire. Some months ago, the world famous band was immortalized in greenery at their hometown in Liverpool, taking center stage at the town's South Parkway. Plants were cultivated for 18 months and then cut and shaped into John, Paul, George and Ringo using artists commissioned from Tuscany. Ringo outraged Liverpoolians during a visit wherein he opened the European Capital of Culture event, by saying that he missed nothing about the city. A few days later, the topiary of Ringo Starr was beheaded. A sure sign that the citizens felt disrespected by the thoughtless and ungrateful remark.

This time, it may not just be his head that the fans would seek to chop off, and it wouldn't be a plant or topiary either. Being the least creative of the group, if at all, Ringo is perhaps trying to build his musical legacy at this late stage, and feels he may be running out of time. This could explain why he has too much to do; as he reaches into the depths of his soul to unleash his true creative talent. He may just as well be reaching into the bowels of his anatomy as there is no creative talent to be found there except the final product of a very large intestine.

Haaaarrrrrrrwwwwk...Twooooooooph...Ting!