Friday, December 28, 2007

Schoff's Silly Stinking Story of the Season

What possible explanation could there be for getting stuck in your home's septic tank on Christmas Eve? What sort of perversion is this?

Well, Robert Schoff's story is that he was trying to find the clog, lost his balance, and got wedged into the opening. Seventy seven years old, 5'5", weighing 135 pounds, Schoff was screaming inside the septic tank with his legs up in the air. About an hour later, his wife Toni walked by the window and saw his legs flailing away, but couldn't pull him out. She had to call 911 and two Polk County Sheriff's deputies pulled old Robert out.

Trying to find a clog in the tank on Christmas Eve? Could that be the real story? Is he an obsessive-compulsive person? Here are other possibilities, take your pick:

a) He was smoking a cigar (Against doctor's orders) and hiding it from his wife.

b) He was trying to commit suicide by flushing himself in the septic tank.

c) He was practicing how to enter chimneys so he could surprise his wife and/or neighbors.

d) He wanted to recall his earlier life when it was full of shit.

e) He could no longer take his wife's cooking and wanted to get sick to avoid eating it.

f) He was practicing a headstand to show off to relatives during the holidays.

g) He was conducting experiments on bio-gas to save on utility bills.

h) He thought a crock of gold was the same as a crock of shit.

i) He was looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever it was, this certainly was a stinking Christmas for Robert, Toni and the two Sheriff's Deputies. I would agree that life can be shitty at times, but you don't have to get yourself stuck in it!


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